Comparison Always Takes - It Never Gives

"Comparison always takes. It never gives. It tends to creep up when we least expect it --even when things are going well. Actually, mostly when things are going well." 

Comparison is never on the invitation list. We don't welcome it with open arms. We don't want it around. We try to limit our interaction with it as much as possible. Comparison feels like a pit in your stomach. A race in your mind that you can never win. A belief that you can't get rid of. A fear that rests in the front of your mind, like a stranger waiting outside your door, knocking until you gather enough courage to open and see what she wants. 

Comparison always takes. It never gives. It tends to creep up when we least expect it --even when things are going well. Actually, mostly when things are going well. 

So what can we do with comparison? It's easy to fall in the mind and body trap when you answer Comparison at your door. It's hard to scroll through Instagram without comparing ourselves to the countless people who seem to have it "all" -- or at least seemingly more than you. 

Our minds tell us that we aren't good enough in many areas. Not limited to body image, parenting, dating, relationships, work, marriage, finances, cars, friends, and travel. Many categories scroll through our mind faster than our fingers on the news feed. Remember that there are countless opportunities that Comparison will pound down the door to your mind, but there are things we can do to ease the pit of comparison that rests in our stomachs or our chests and the countless thoughts that it brings with it. 

• Shift your mind to awareness.​
  The first key to getting out of comparison traps is to simply shift your awareness to how you are speaking to yourself. We can't change or modify the voice of the inner critic if we are unaware of what it is saying.
  
  
• Recognize the lies.  
  ​If you have thoughts that breed judgment or harshness in tone, they are likely not ones of self-compassion. These thoughts are lies that your brain is trying to tell you. It is based out of the reptile side of the brain instead of the logical and rational brain. These thoughts are insecurity, protective, survival and scarcity-based. Just because you think something, does not make it true. ​Some comparison thoughts may look like the following:
  • ​​You'll never be like her.
  • He's much more attractive than me. 
  • He's more successful, rich, kind, etc. than me.
  • My kids won't have a Christmas like theirs. 
  • I'm not doing enough. 
  • If I could just have ___, then I'll be happy or content.
    
    
• Ask yourself if there is a different story.​​
  This is exactly like it sounds. Instead of saying, "She's so much _____ than me" or feeling a pinch of shame when scrolling through Instagram feeds, ask yourself if there is another story rather than the one you are telling yourself. For example, if your thought is, "She's so much more successful than me", ask yourself if there is another story. Your new thought could then be something like, "I'm basing her success off social media and that may not be the whole picture," or "A goal I'd like to make for myself is to be able to be more flexible with my time." These are different stories about the same situation and both could be true. The difference is there is less comparison in the latter stories and makes you feel motivated instead of ashamed.
  
  
• Practice self-compassion.
  The inner critic in us can feel like the stronger of the two, between compassion and criticism, I mean. However, it doesn't have to be the case. It's important to talk kindly to yourself, even when you make a mistake or recognize yourself falling into the thought traps of comparison. Some simple phrases you can say include:
  • I am enough. Right now, in this moment.
  • I am noticing a lot of anxiety regarding _____, it's okay to be anxious. You'll get through this.
  • I'm having the thought that I'm not good enough (insert thought here). I understand it's just a thought and doesn't mean this is true for me.

When thinking of comparison, please remember it is a HUMAN condition. It is biologically necessary that we compare ourselves (at least, it was mostly important in caveman days) as a mean of survival. What is not necessary is letting comparison lead to shame and by being attentive to your thoughts and actively working to acknowledge and modify them, we can decrease the voice of the inner critic and build higher self-compassion.

Robin Helget, LSCSW, CPT
Millennial Therapist