Assertive Communication to Effectively Engage in Conflict
Let me first preface by stating that just because you’re in a conflict, it doesn’t mean that that relationship is bad or isn’t going to work or that you did something wrong. Whether you’re in a relationship, a friendship, a working relationship, are a coworker, have parents, have siblings, have children, have roommates, or have to deal with any sort of other relationship or human, it is completely normal and natural to experience conflict.
Conflict versus confrontation
Many of us use the term “conflict” and “confrontation” interchangeably when the two words are actually very different. Confrontation describes an experience where one person may be seemingly aggressive in their words or actions, by getting louder, angry, hostile, or bigger in an argument. Conflict can be described as a disagreement between two parties with differing opinions or beliefs.
What many of us are fearful of is actually confrontation when we describe ourselves as “avoiding conflict” or “I don’t do conflict very well”. So, do you spend a lot of time people-pleasing to avoid someone disagreeing with you or do you avoid disagreements because you’re fearful it’s actually going to be a confrontation?
To effectively engage with someone with an opposing belief or opinion than us, or when one party is upset with the other, it is important that we have to first “cool” the engine that sends messages of panic/fear or defensiveness/anger and then proceed with being direct and clear by taking ownership of our own experience and our own needs.
1. Self-soothe to decrease emotional flooding. Nothing you say is going to be effective until you cool off the engines that are saying one of two things:
I am unsafe to share my opinions because he/she may not accept me or
That is absolutely ridiculous! (Insert rant here).
Effectively engaging in conflict
Self-soothing strategies are vital to calming our inner beings down when we are flooded with emotions. These come in the form of self-compassion and would work best if tailored to each specific person. It’s aimed at being kind to that part of you that is completed dysregulated when even thinking about having a hard conversation. Also, be mindful of if you are assuming you “know” what the person is going to say or you “know” how the conversation is going to go. Here’s an example:
Instinctual thought: If I share my opinions about this, he is going to laugh in my face and fire me. Who do I think I am anyway?
The underlying need: To know that I matter and my opinions are important and valued.
Self-soothing statement to self: I’m noticing I’m start to feel really anxious about talking to him. It’s ok to be nervous. My thoughts and opinions are important here too, though. It’s important to share them. I’ve shared them before and have been ok.
2. Being direct and clear.
Once you’ve self-soothed, you have the opportunity to be direct, clear and utilize your voice. Explaining your perspective, how you feel, and what you need. In a relationship with your partner, it could look like this:
Jon, I really appreciate everything you do for me and for our family. When you don’t come home when you say you will, the story I tell myself is that I’m undervalued and nervous that you don’t want to be here. I’d really appreciate if you would text me when you’re running late next time.
3. Have emotional boundaries.
Once you’ve communicated this, don’t backtrack and apologize for how you were feeling and for asking for what you need (disclaimer: this is my weakness!). You just communicated clearly and it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met; however, if it is new for you, it may feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable to do this. Try to self-soothe (step one) through the vulnerability and know that it will just take some time for this skill (like building a new muscle to form).
At the end of the day, if you know you communicated assertively and respectfully, that’s a win. No matter the other person’s emotions or behaviors, rest in knowing that you utilized your voice. You’ll start learning that conflict isn’t necessarily bad because you have and will utilize your voice to get your needs met.
Robin Kluttz, LSCSW, LCSW, CPT
Millennial Therapist
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