Managing Your Expectations

“You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” 
― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon

You’ve had a tough, long day at work. You’re driving home and envisioning walking in the door, leaving the stress of the day at the door, and having dinner ready on the table. But when you walk in, no one has started preparing dinner. Your chest immediately tightens; your patience disappears, and your anger rises.

Expectations are powerful.

We plan out the future in our minds and create viable options for whichever scenario unfolds. Expectations are a method of comforting ourselves and creating a false sense of control over an unknown situation. However, when our expectations aren’t met, we’re often left with disappointment, resentment, sadness, and anger – the infamous feelings that give expectations such a bad reputation.
We’ve all heard the phrases “don’t get your hopes up” and “if you don’t have any expectations, you won’t be disappointed.” Another common one is “should”: “I should have eaten better today” or “I should be able to handle all of this.” Each of these phrases sends the following false messages about expectations:

1. Expectations can only lead to negative feelings, such as failure, guilt, disappointment, resentment, frustration, and sadness.
   
   
2. The negative feelings that expectations produce should be avoided; therefore, expectations should be avoided.
   
   
3. The only way to succeed or feel happy is to have your expectations met. 

But what if the problem didn’t lie in the expectation itself, but rather in how we were dealing with it?
 
We can’t change our brain’s ability to create expectations, but we can change what we do with them and how much power we give them. Instead of avoiding expectations out of fear, we can focus on learning how to better manage our expectations and use them in a positive, constructive, and healthy manner.

1. Acknowledge. The first step to creating change is acknowledging when something needs to change. Pay attention to your body and any physical symptoms that suddenly appear when a situation doesn’t go as you planned. Notice the differences between the scenario in your mind and the scenario in front of you. Acknowledge you have an expectation. 
   
   
2. Ask. Communication plays a large role in successfully managing expectations. After you’ve acknowledged your expectation, communicate it with those around you. Ask clarifying questions to gain context and address any assumptions you may have. Ask yourself if the expectation is still realistic, helpful, or important.
   
   
3. Adjust. The key to healthy expectation management is flexibility. You’ve acknowledged you have an expectation, you’ve communicated it with others, and now you can adjust accordingly. Rather than having static and rigid expectations, your expectations are able to adapt, evolve, and improve to best suit your needs!
   
   

Elise Griggs
Counseling Intern
Resolve Counseling & Wellness