Finding Strength in the Struggle

Most of us would prefer to avoid the difficult times in our lives. We would like things to happen as planned. We would like our relationships to feel safe, our goals to be achieved, and our lives to appear predictable. When we encounter problems, our first reaction is often to ask, “How will I get through this?” or possibly, “Why is this occurring to me?” Those are legitimate questions. 

Struggles can be unpleasant, tiring, and at times extremely painful, but difficulties in life can also reveal aspects of ourselves that we did not notice during a period of relative ease. Sometimes we find strength because life demands that we use it, not because we sought it out. Strength does not always manifest itself in the ways we expect. Many of us view strength as continuing to move forward, maintaining an optimistic outlook, or refusing to quit. Persistence is certainly a type of strength; however, many forms of strength are far less obvious. 

One form of strength could include asking for assistance when you would prefer to deal with issues independently. Another form of strength could be allowing yourself to grieve rather than pretending that everything is fine. Yet another form of strength could involve acknowledging that a particular aspect of your life is no longer functioning within your value set, and seeking growth in this area. 

One aspect of experiencing adversity is that it may force us to slow down and consider areas of our lives that we might have previously ignored. When our lives are going well, we tend to focus less on determining what matters most to us. Adversity tends to bring those considerations closer to the forefront. What is important to me? What type of person do I wish to become? In what ways do I need more of something in my life? What am I willing to tolerate no longer? Who are the individuals in my life who can truly assist me? The answers may not emerge immediately. Personal growth seldom occurs in a linear fashion. At times, we do not recognize how much we have grown until we review our behavior over time and realize that we now respond to situations differently than we did in the past. Perhaps you communicate with yourself with greater self compassion. Perhaps you recognize unhealthy behaviors sooner. Perhaps you have realized that seeking support is not a sign of weakness. Perhaps a difficult experience provided you with the opportunity to become more deliberate in how you approach your relationships, how you allocate your time, and how you care for yourself.

Finding strength in adversity does not imply that we must appreciate every painful event that occurs to us. Nor does it imply that every adverse event represents a challenge that we should simply endure in the hopes that it will help us grow stronger. There exists an important distinction between developing resilience through the routine adversities and hardships that occur throughout life and remaining in abusive, dangerous, or detrimental environments. Occasionally, the best course of action is not to develop a capacity to tolerate additional adversity; rather, it is to acknowledge that change is necessary and seek support. There can also exist pressure to transform every hardship into a learning opportunity. We often encounter phrases such as "everything happens for a reason" or "what does not kill you makes you stronger," and although these statements may offer comfort to some people, they can also leave us feeling as though we are required to find something positive in our suffering. You are not obligated to do so. Growth does not necessitate denying that something caused you pain. You can acknowledge that an experience was painful and simultaneously acknowledge what you have learned about yourself during the process. Both pain and growth can occur concurrently. If you are presently enduring a period of adversity, you may be unable to perceive the growth that is occurring within you. This is perfectly acceptable. Rather than inquiring how you are expected to develop strength from your current situation, consider beginning with a more empathetic question: What is this period of adversity teaching me about my needs? The answer may be rest. It may be connection. It may be courage, patience, boundaries, or self compassion. The answer may simply be that you cannot accomplish all tasks on your own. 

Strength is rarely something that we suddenly acquire after the storm has subsided. Rather, it is typically developed quietly in the midst of adversity, in the decisions we make, the support we receive, the boundaries we establish, and the compassion we learn to demonstrate toward ourselves. Often, as we reflect on our experiences, we realize that we were stronger than we thought.