Cultivating Self-Compassion During COVID
What is self-compassion? According to author, researcher, and teacher, Kristin Neff, Self- Compassion means being kind and understanding when being confronted with personal failings, as opposed to mercilessly judging and criticizing oneself for various inadequacies. Self-compassion can be a difficult skill to practice at any point in our lives, but may feel particularly challenging during a global pandemic. With so many opinions flying around about what you ‘should’ be doing, the ‘right’ way to live, and the constant commentary on self-improvement strategies during quarantine, this can trigger and excretable the self-blame and self-punishment that so many of us are prone to.
Why is Self-Compassion so Difficult
Self-compassion can be difficult for a variety of reasons. During quarantine we have all been bombarded with messages about how we “should” be living our lives. It might feel like you can’t do anything right! There are so many opinions out there that cause us to beat ourselves up. Saying things like ‘I’m self-centered’, ‘I’m lazy’, ‘I’m weak’. When our circumstances are difficult, it is in our human nature to try and find a cause for our suffering, typically, the easiest place to point the finger is ourselves. If I could just be “better” then maybe I wouldn’t be suffering as much as I am. Ridding ourselves of this negative self-talk can bring up a great deal of fear. Fear that if we start talking to ourselves with more gentleness, grace, and understanding, then maybe we will get complacent, egotistical, or just plain selfish. Research tells us that cultivating self-compassion has many benefits. Some of those benefits include increasing our altruism, ability to cope, survival skills, and motivation (Neff, 2015). These benefits can certainly outweigh the potential fear of beginning this practice.
What Having Self-Compassion Looks Like
Having self-compassion looks different for everyone, so find what feels best for you. Some ideas to consider might be:
Recognizing your limitations and humanity. We are not machines. Therefore, it is truly inevitable that we will all make mistakes. How will you choose to respond when this happens? Will you respond with guilt, shame, and feelings of short-comings? Or will you forgive yourself for what you did not know?
Reflect on what might be particularly comforting or validating for you so that when self-compassion feels difficult, you have an idea of how to cope.
No more ‘shoulds’! There are certainly moments where this word will slip out. Simply notice when it does and gently investigate why that might be. Generally speaking, ‘shoulds’ are usually an indication of feelings around guilt and shame.
Lack of self-compassion can be especially difficult for those with perfectionistic tendencies. Remember that perfection is not possible. Take time to journal about ways that you can begin to let go of the perfection in small ways that feel manageable for you.
Letting go of old habits can feel extremely difficult at times. If you need additional support through the process of cultivating self-compassion seek out support systems through the means of loved ones or a mental health professional. And remember, you are deserving of the kindness that you give to others.
Work Cited
Neff, K. N. (2015, September 30). The Five Myths of Self-Compassion. Greater Good.
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion