A Small Change that Can Have a Big Impact on Your Relationship
One of the most surprising findings relationship researcher John Gottman found was that long-lasting intimacy and trust were not based on the depth and breadth of conversations couples had. Instead, it was the couple’s willingness to respond to each other’s bids for connection. It didn’t matter the topic or context, it was the availability and intentionality to respond to a partner’s bid, no matter how trivial, that kept the spark and closeness.
WHAT IS A BID FOR CONNECTION?
People have an innate desire to feel connected to others. They make bids for connection in a variety of ways with a variety of people. When it comes to emotional connections, there is likely a hierarchy, with the most important relationships needing the deepest level of connection. Some examples of bids are:
Exchanging pleasantries with the grocery clerk
A high five with a co-worker after a job well done
Calling a best friend to discuss a challenging situation
A long embrace with a spouse after an extended time apart
Bids for connection come in an endless variety of forms, some easier to interpret than others. They can be verbal or non-verbal. Physical or intellectual. Sexual or non-sexual. Enthusiastic or mundane. They could surface as a humorous comment or a serious nudging. They might include questions, statements, or comments. They often involve thoughts, feelings, observations, opinions, and invitations. Non-verbal bids might be affectionate touching, facial expressions, playful touching, polite gestures (opening a door), or vocalizations (sighing).
THREE TYPES OF RESPONSES TO BIDS:
Turning Towards. This type of response, if given most of the time, will produce the most intimate and satisfying relationships. Turning towards a partner’s bid for connection in a positive way makes them feel seen and valued. Over time, the couples who turn towards each other’s bids most of the time develop strong, long-lasting relationships, filled with positive regard for one another. Some examples of Turning Towards:
Verbal Bid: “Honey, could you get me another cup of coffee?”
Turning towards response: “Yes, just as soon as I finish cooking these eggs.”
Non-verbal bid: *Winks at partner*
Turning towards response: *blows a kiss back*
Turning Away. Often unintentional, this type of response to an emotional bid can leave a partner feeling ignored or unimportant. This can happen when the responding partner is preoccupied, simply does not have anything to add to the conversation, or is unaware that an emotional bid was made. Some bids are harder to identify and decode than others. Surprisingly, a relationship that has a pattern of Turning Away from bids for connection leads to a relationship’s demise faster than a pattern of Turning Against. Some examples of Turning Away:
Verbal Bid: “Geez! I had the most stressful day at work today!”
Turning away response: “Is the game on tonight?”
Non-verbal bid: *rubs partner’s shoulders*
Turning away response: *looks down at phone to check Facebook notifications*
Turning Against. This type of response can come in the form of sarcasm or ridicule; it could be described as combative or belittling. Turning against is often a response of hostility followed by a suppression of the other’s feelings. It’s no surprise that couples who have a pattern of Turning Against eventually split up. Some examples of Turning Against:
Verbal Bid: “Wow! Did you see that play?!”
Turning against response: “You know I don’t care about football. I can’t believe you waste your time watching it.”
Non-verbal bid: *places hand on partner’s thigh*
Turning against response: *pushes the hand away*
The smallest change that can have the biggest impact on your relationship is paying attention to your partner’s bids for connection and turning towards them in a positive way.