GET RID OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Expectations can lead to disappointment. What we often fail to do is live life in the middle of it. We are so focused on the end goal that we MISS the life! - ROBIN HELGET

Our realities are formed by the thoughts of how life should be in our head.

The thoughts in our head can make or break us. For years, many of my clients and practically everyone I've had an honest conversation with, have struggled with something I call the “inner critic” or for some, “inner demons”. This critic is the voice that tells you how things could be better, creates expectations of how life or circumstances should be, or tells you that you are consistently missing the mark. It tells you that you can’t yet rest or be happy because you have to get “there” first--wherever “there” may be.  

This critic is often a primary player in depression, anxiety, and trauma. If we listen to it long enough, the words of the critic start to become our truth. We believe what the critic tells us so much that we become unsatisfied with our lives and constantly beat ourselves up for making small mistakes, eating the cookie, yelling at our kids, or snapping at our significant others.

Expectations
Have you ever been really excited about something? Something that you have been looking forward to for a long time? Maybe it was an event, a date, seeing a person or saving and buying an item. Or, maybe it was getting married, buying a house, having a baby. You created so much hype around this particular thing, envisioning what it would be like, how you would feel, and what you maybe would say. However, you quickly found yourself disappointed or frustrated. This was going to make you so happy! So why do you feel worse than you did before?

Expectations can lead to disappointment. What we often fail to do is live life in the middle of it. We are so focused on the end goal: of the event, of the day, of the baby, of the man, of the marriage, of the house, of the job, of the life--that we MISS the life! Focusing on the destination often leads to lack of fulfillment. Why?

The grass is always greener on the other side. We glorify the ending and dismiss the problems that come with anything.

• When we build up the destination in our head, we tend to glamorize.
  We forget all the barriers or things that still happen when we reach the destination. We forget that there will be conflict, hurt, struggles, and think that WHEN we get that job, WHEN we get that salary, WHEN we get married, WHEN we have the baby, WHEN we buy the house, that THAT’s when we will be happy and feel fulfilled. When focusing on the “WHEN”, we miss out on the “NOW”.

• When we stop chasing the destination, we can live in the journey.
  We will spend most of our life in the journey. If we make it to the destination, we often find ourselves wondering “What’s next?” or “Now what?” or even, “That’s it?” 
  
  People spend a lifetime looking forward to retirement to take the trip, enjoy leisure time, etc. However, they’re grinding so hard to get to retirement, that once they get there, they have no idea how to cope. They’ve been missing the chance to do hobbies, spend time with family, listen to the good music, enjoy a weekend, that when given the chance to do all those things, they don’t know how.
  
  
• It’s ok to be excited about the future, as long as you are thrilled about the process of getting there.  
  Learn to be okay with where you are now. Knowing that the "now" is part of getting to the "then" is essential in being able to enjoy it. Remember that THIS is your life. Each moment you get to choose how you are going to live it. You can most definitely spend it focusing on the future, or you can turn to your present, greet it, and welcome it with open arms. You have to be the person you are right now in order to get to the person you want to become. By being intentional and present in your daily life, you will be more fulfilled.

 

• Set realistic expectations: we expect that some days are going to be really great! We can also expect that some days will be really hard.
  Knowing these simple facts will make your expectations more realistic. Accepting this ebb and flow of each day is essential in being in the present, leaning into discomfort, and riding the wave of growth. We will never stop growing. And in my opinion, we will never reach the destination.

 

• Each day, your purpose is different. 
  Sometimes, my clients come to me shaken up because they don’t know their purpose in life. This broad and generic expectation that we all have to know our purpose in order to be happy is what sets people up to be unhappy. Each day, your purpose may look different. You have goals; you have dreams. Some people wake up and know they will be on a certain career path. Others don’t. BOTH are okay. Each day you will encounter people or situations that will make your purpose different. You may meet someone who shares something, teaches you something, or identifies something that completely changes the purpose you had for yourself 10 minutes ago. Knowing you’re going SOMEWHERE is important. Needing every detail or to know the purpose of your life as a whole is not. Being intentional and purposeful with your attitude, your time, your resources, and your mood each day will lead your life to a bigger purpose. You and the people you interact with--every person you reach--change or is impacted by YOU, both negatively OR positively. You get to decide which.  That's a purpose--that creates a trickle-down affect into how the people in our world feel or act, and that is a purpose that creates change.  

Robin Helget, LMSW, CPT
Millennial Therapist & Coach
robin@kcresolve.com
785.408.7529