Providing Support through the Bereavement Process
Most of us know at least one person who has had someone important to them pass in the last year. Even if we've experienced a loss ourselves, it's often difficult to determine how to comfort and support a friend who's grieving, as every loss is different. As both a therapist and as one who has experienced the loss of a close family member, I'll share some ideas of how to support a friend or family member through a loss.
In the first 2 weeks…
"What can I help with?" goes a long way, especially if the grieving person is overwhelmed with planning a service, taking care of the estate, or caring for other family members as a result of the loss. Having someone run errands or clean out a refrigerator can show that you see the extra responsibilities the person has due to the loss and that you're there to ease their burden.
Take cues from the person. If they seem like they don't want to talk about the loss, don't push it, but still make a point to be present in the coming weeks. Even sitting in silence with grieving person means a lot. Everyone copes in their own way and timing. Be there when they need it.
Realize that most people reach out to provide meals, emotional support and encouragement during the first two weeks.
In the first 6 months…
After the first month of a loss, people are much less likely to check in with a grieving person. Unfortunately, this can be one of the most difficult times for a bereaved person, as they begin to settle back in to a "normal" routine again without their loved one. Periodically check in with the person to see how they're doing. Questions like "What's your grief look like this week?" help a bereaved person normalize grief reactions and process how this loss has affected his/her life to date, while questions like "How are you doing today?" can sometimes elicit shame about the grieving process.
6 months and beyond…
Stay attentive to times that may be particularly difficult for the grieving person (birthdays, holidays, anniversary dates). Even two years later, a child's birthday can be difficult for bereaved parents. Consider sending a note, small gift, or spend time with the person to remind them that you care.
Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased person. Ask the grieving person questions from time to time about their favorite memories with the person or share a story you remember about the loved one.
If the person is experiencing significant symptoms of grief (crying spells, inability to carry on with routine, deep guilt, depression, or isolation), consider discussing with the bereaved the possibility of seeing a mental health professional.
Avoid these unhelpful statements during conversation
"S/he"s in a better place now." – even if you know the person's stance on the afterlife, this may not be comforting and minimizes the person's experience.
"But you can be thankful that…" – also minimizes the grieving person's feelings
"You should be", "you need to" – there’s no grief manual - everyone's process is different.
Any language that communicates that the person should be "beyond this" or "back to normal" – losing a close friend or family member can be a transformative part of someone's life. Don't place judgment on them for not being the same as they once were.
If you're reading this as someone in the midst of the bereavement process, know you're not alone. Consider discussing some of these tips with your support network so they know how to best support you. What’s been helpful for you through the grieving process? Comment below!
Samantha Stites,
Counseling Intern
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