Establishing Safety to Improve Communication
As a couple’s therapist, a goal that is often defined by my clients is to “improve communication.” There are many reasons that communication can be difficult. Communication can be misinterpreted or communication can break down and become ineffective, repetitive and end without resolution. I believe effective communication happens when we listen, we feel heard, we feel what we said matters and there is an outcome or resolution. Often miscommunication or communication break-down happens during disagreements or when discussions become heated.
When we get into disagreements, we might notice changes in our body. Our nervous system activates, our fight/flight/freeze survival brain activates and our Prefrontal Cortex (the smart part of the brain) deactivates. We need our Prefrontal Cortex activated to be able to listen, interpret, comprehend and predict. When we notice that our “Warning Signs” are activated (voice increases, heart beats quicker, sweating, etc.) we NEED TO TAKE A BREAK from the situation. We need to slow our nervous system so our body is not in a defensive/protective/survival state. Trying to effectively communicate in a defensive state (survival brain) is impossible, irrational and never leads to resolution. Taking a break allows for an opportunity to practice calming skills which reregulate our nervous systems, and reactivates our prefrontal cortex so we can communicate.
Taking a break is essential for having effective communication. Often couples will need to take several breaks before a resolution is identified. Taking a break, or several breaks is encouraged however it is essential that the discussion is revisited and resolved. If the conversation is not resolved then the lingering lack of outcome is just waiting to reappear, often at the most unhelpful times and often tied to unrelated difficulty. When taking a break, it is essential to communicate “I care about what you said, I am taking a break, we can talk about this later.” This allows our partner to understand that this issue is important and will be discussed, but right now, this is not the best time to try to talk. This is not easy, it takes practice. However, if you try it you will likely find that when you re-engage in discussion this conversation will be much more productive.
I think one of the main reasons communication fails, is due to not feeling safe enough to communicate concerns. When we do not feel safe to communicate our concerns, often we will not. I often hear people say, “I just sweep it under the rug and don’t want to talk about it.” This lack of safety, shutting-down or avoidance may stem from difficult past experiences. Fear due to lack of safety is prohibiting effective communication. With fear comes worry, with worry comes avoidance.
So how do we build safety in order to reduce avoidance and have effective communication?
In order for partner A to express their concerns, partner A needs to get an appropriate response that meets their needs. Person A possibly needs to feel heard, needs to feel what they say matters, needs to feel validated, to be offered a hug, or for partner B to offer a suggestion to solve the problem. Partner A needs to identify what they need in order to facilitate an outcome or resolution of the conversation. This should be clearly stated to partner B.
If partner A needs to feel heard and that what they say matters, they can say, “I feel hurt, like I don’t matter when I don’t feel heard.”
This gives Partner B the opportunity to ask, “I hear you need me to listen to you. What can I do to help you to feel better?”
Partner A can then express, “I feel really overwhelmed by the amount of work and house chores I am doing. Please can you help me by…?”
Partner B, “I heard you say you’re overwhelmed and you need my help. I want to help you. Can I help you by…”
This conversation allows partner A to get an appropriate response that meets their needs (feeling heard and what they say matters) which also allows for resolution. Partner B can then truly understand what partner A needs.
Safety can also be established by using “I statements.” When we start a discussion with “I feel…” then the listener may be better able to hear what you have to say, because they do not feel this is an accusation but rather a statement. “I feel…” statements take the blame out of the conversation, and prevents the listener from becoming defensive (as mentioned above). The listener may also show compassion and want to help when they hear feelings have been hurt.
I also believe safety can be established when partner A speaks so that partner B can hear them. What can you tolerate hearing? We know that a listener will shut down if they are being yelled at, or the tone of voice is inappropriate. We also know certain words or repetition can be trigger points which will cause communication break-down. Partners need to share with each other how they can tolerate hearing each other; do this by identifying and using a safety statement. We get really good at tuning out others, especially if they ask us to do something the same way, over and over again! Our selective hearing is exceptional when we don’t want to do what the other is asking. If a safety statement is identified, partner A should use this statement when they need partner B to hear them, partner B then needs to respond when this safety statement is used.
Effective communication takes a lot of practice and will not be perfect as you begin trying these new techniques. Feeling safe enough to discuss a difficult topic takes time and repetition. Be patient with each other and yourself as you navigate the process of hearing each other and finding effective outcomes. Being conscious about what you need, how you express what you need, how you get your needs met and how you speak so the other person can hear you will hopefully help establish safety to improve communication.